As a child, my brother and I compared ourselves all the time. I am the oldest by 2 years so while I was able to go out and enjoy some freedom, my brother would complain that he wasn't being treated the same. My dad always said never to compare yourselves to your sister nor to anyone. And the same thing would happen to me! Once my brother was older and more responsible, my parents allowed him to do things that I wasn't.
I thought it wasn't fair due to being a girl and all that but I realized everyone's different, and it probably was my best interest not to engage in such activities. My mom would make up excuses that I was a girl, and that sometimes girls shouldn't be doing certain things that boys would do, but I knew she was just trying to protect me.
It's very common, almost habitual to consciously or unconsciously compare yourselves to someone, whether it be through online, social media, or when you're out and about. I did that for years, I would catch myself staring at beautiful women and, wondering why I didn't look like that, why my hair wasn't curly, or that I wasn't skinny enough with a lot of freckles. Each time I would look in the mirror, I wasn't satisfied with how I looked. Starting at the age of 19, I decided to dye my hair brown. Growing up I was always a natural platinum blonde.
My mom told me all the time especially in the hair salon to never dye my hair because people would kill for my hair color. I received so many comments throughout the years but compliments didn't mean anything because I wasn't happy within. Once she passed away, I went through different maniac phases, suddenly getting super skinny, going on a restricted 1,100 calorie diet, and finally deciding to become a brunette.
I felt if I changed my hair color, it would make me happy. I was dead wrong! I was a brunette for a few months and then decided to try jet black. At first, I thought I looked amazing, people said I looked like Wednesday from The Adams Family and I was flattered! Trust me, that ego trip didn't last for long. Shortly after I decided this was definitely not me, and my mom was probably rolling in her grave cursing at me for ruining my hair. I would go back to blonde and maybe Id be happy again! Tuh!
Ladies and gents if you color your hair, it is the absolute worst to try and go back from dark to light. I had to color oops, bleach, and that still wasn't enough! I had to eventually get highlights to even out my hair, and then finally after months of conditioning, I made the bold move and went to blonde again. It definitely wasn't the same beautiful natural color I once had, but it was enough. I told myself after that moment, never again! The process was too damaging and, it was just a temporary fix to my happiness.
But my lesson didn't end there, the following year I decided to go dark again for some reason. The same process, the compliments only increased my ego trip like a balloon but eventually, all the air was taken out. I just kept thinking whats wrong with me? It was much deeper than just dying my hair, trying to change my whole identity. I had to figure out what was the problem here because continuously dying my hair was never going to solve the problem and, eventually I would go bald and trust me, I probably don't look like an Amber Rose with my head shaved lol.
One day I looked myself in the mirror and thought the only way Id be happy is to be me. Be the real authentic Kseniya you know you are. I didn't need to change my identity, nor my personality, I just needed to become better. I needed to become that leader I once was and aspire to always be. The question was, how would I do it? What were the steps I needed to take to bring me there?
Well, one was finally admitting that I wasn't happy despite all the changes I did to my appearance. I decided to stop restricting myself because a 1,100 calorie deficit diet wasn't going to do it, if I can moderate what I am eating but still enjoy myself from time to time, I will do such thing. I went back to the gym more, I had always been in the gym by this point in my life, but I knew I could push myself even more.
I started to develop more healthy habits for myself, listening to motivational material, meditating, and going to spiritual ceremonies when they were hosted. By radically changing my habits, putting myself in situations that were new but, knowing this was my place( the spiritual ceremonies), I was allowing the real me to emerge! I remember feeling free and content.
I looked myself in the mirror more and more and, knew the real Kseniya was coming out for good. I thought to myself why hadn't I changed myself a long time ago? But we all need to go through things like this, whether it's dying your hair, changing your appearance to look like someone else, having bad habits, but we need to be the ones to catch ourselves before we fall too deep and save ourselves.
We need to find the reason for what in ourselves is stopping us from reaching happiness. No one else can save you but yourself.
When we finally begin to conform to who we really are, finding our "why" in this world, the real purpose behind our existence, life will be more meaningful. Monks are so content with having nothing because they know who they are! They know what their mission in life is to do. Take away all your conditioning, your mental state, your past and you will see who you are underneath all of that. You are not your parents, you are not what happened to you in the past, and you are not what you have done.
Going forward, make sure to bring out the real you. The real authentic, loving, selfless badass that you are. Do not compare yourself to anyone because you are not like anyone else. You are you, uniquely and whole. Go find that person!
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