I've always been curious about people, the what, where, how, and why. From binge-watching documentaries about serial killers to staring at people for too long in restaurants, I've always been a curious cat as my boyfriend calls me haha:).
I had a passion for studying psychology on my short journey from a community college. School isn't for me or at least not right now, however psychology and finding out what makes each of us tick was and still is right up my alley. I also have a love to help people.
People would come and seek out my advice whenever we both had free time to talk about our crazy lives. By helping others figure out their own mind, helped me to reflect my own self.
What made me tick, my impulses and urges? I've always believed when you help others, unknowingly you help yourself.
Till I was about 17, my mother had raised my family, and I catholic. I went through all my sacraments, but yet I never felt a closeness to God. What was God? Was he a man, a woman, a thing? Always being curious, I would seek to find the answers but after not getting anywhere I had decided to give up.
Going to church and praising an almighty to me sounded stupid. I mean I can't see the guy, so how can he be so important and, why does everyone gather on Sundays to celebrate God and his son Jesus Christ?
My mother was a devoted Catholic having gone to catholic school all throughout her youth. She loved and prayed to this God for as long as I remembered. I would try and make her happy by singing along while bored out of my mind at church.
I just felt that I wasn't connecting to God like my mom had been all her life, but sucked it up. Unfortunately around Christmas just shy from my 18th birthday, my mom discovered she had pancreatic cancer.
I remember her telling me to have more faith in God himself and that everything will be just fine. So I did just that. But tragedy struck, almost 2 years after being diagnosed, My mom was no longer on this earth.
I was angry, hurt, guilty, depressed. I would say most of all feeling angry at this so-called God who my mom had told me to put so much trust into. I just kept thinking, God, my mom had believed in you... how can you let this happen?
Right after feeling those emotions for so long, I had decided to turn away from God and to seek out different callings. I read books on Hinduism, Buddhism, Christianity. None of them really latched on to me. I just felt defeated but I knew there was something out there, bigger and stronger than any human, and if you just believed, maybe things will get better.
A few years went by and I still had not found whatever it is I was seeking up until a new job came along. One day while I was setting up for an event to bartend, I was to train a new employee. This employee just looked different and seemed different.
He had a baby face but spoke in such a mature tongue, I was dumbfounded. He had shared with me that he facilitated ceremonies. Ceremonies included a lot of meditation, breathing techniques, medicine. He had expressed that he was spiritual and believed in the universe, and was an alchemist.
I had heard of the word Alchemist from a book I had loved and would read a few times a year. An alchemist for me meant someone that turned anything into love, riches, abundance. As he kept ranting about how he went about his practices, I couldn't help but notice myself feeling more and more connected, questioning, yet soaking everything up that he was sharing.
I went home that night and decided to look up everything he said, and whoa was my mind blown! I had learned about auras, the law of attraction, higher-self, energy, etc. I knew I had found whatever it was I had been seeking all these years. This feeling I was embodied in felt like home.
Connecting to this higher source felt new but strangely familiar. Believing in something had allowed me to shift into becoming a better and new Kseniya. Someone that I never thought was present in me, but there it was all this time.
I believe in every phase in your life whether you are in a good space or not, allowing yourself to have faith in any higher power even if it's just a tree LOL! having faith will allow a sense of comfort in knowing that everything will be just fine.
If you have any questions and need to talk about these topics, feel free to contact me via email: kseniyarussau138@gmail.com
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